hi! it’s monday, august 12, at 11:25am, and it’s been a whole five months since I’ve written you. no excuses, I know, but I hope you’ll forgive me — my laptop broke in april and I waited until last week to buy a new one back in the states.
there’s a ton to say, so much I’ve learned and want to share, but for this first wtd back, I figured I’ll do myself a favor and clear out my drafts, sharing with you some snippets of incomplete writings I’d been working on. they’ll (hopefully) give you a glimpse into what I’ve been up to and what’s been on my mind these past few months, and I promise I’ll give you a more thorough recounting of the rest of my time abroad soon. here goes!
from march 2024:
it’s 10:55pm on a friday evening, march 15, 2024. I’m sitting wrapped in a blanket; I think I might get cold more easily than the average person because every practice I come home and am chilled to the bone up until I crawl into bed. which usually is later than this on a weekend but today I’m letting my body reset after a long day.
I’ve been off my game on keeping you updated… things have started to pile up and I’m racing just to keep up! but I feel good in my body and I’ve been trying to take care of myself among the seemingly endless pile of things to do.
can you tell I’m in panic mode about what’s to come? after writing you that wtd about delayed gratification, I’ve spent some time thinking about what comes next for me (spoiler: it’s a fucking terrifying thing to think about when you’re not sure). like the indecisive perfectionist I am, I went through an unnecessarily extensive list of possible options. in short, I considered everything from moving to spain semi-permanently to applying to masters programs at the university where I completed my undergrad.
to be completely honest with you? I still don’t have it completely sorted out. but I’m thinking somewhere in between those extremes. sound like a cheat solution for being aggressively indecisive ? perhaps it is, but at least it’s something resembling a choice! we count the small wins here.
life is truly, truly bizarre. I find myself thinking about all of the circumstances that led me here: how perfectly aligned so many things had to be for me to meet some of the people I call my closest friends here. I applied to this program a year and a half ago, with not a clue whether I’d be selected, much less with any sort of idea where I’d be placed and the people I’d end up meeting. I’m endlessly grateful, and am going to spend the rest of my time here soaking up all I can — I’m allowed a limited amount of luggage on my flight back, but I’ll be weighed down just as much with the memories I hope to cherish and carry back with me.
from april 2024:
recently, I’ve been thirsty for new books to read, but am increasingly wary of my upcoming move across the ocean for which I’m allotted two suitcases… so my solution has been to browse used bookstores, never buy anything, then sneakily borrow books from the english department at work.
last week, I took my (very first!) solo vacation trip to tenerife (oh how sweet you are, budget airline $30 flights), and I took a copy of daniel defoe’s robinson crusoe along with me. it was funny, reading it on a trip like that, where I’d plunged myself into willingly being alone for perhaps one of the first times in my life — the main character gets shipwrecked on an uninhabited island and the diary-type book is written as he navigates through a truly solitary life on the island.
it reminded me a lot of one of my childhood favorite books, jean craighead george’s my side of the mountain, in which the protagonist, a young boy, decides he’s fed up with the city and moves to the catskills to try and survive on his own, alone in pure nature. I read it over and over as a kid, because I loved reading about how he passed his time, how self-sufficient he was, and loved the mountains perhaps as much as he did. reflecting back on it, I’m shocked it took me so long to realize the value of alone time, but now that I have, I’m determined to make time for it.
perhaps inspired by my love for the story, or maybe so I wouldn’t just be laying on the beach and reading all day on my tenerife vacation, I decided despite my fears (hurting my knee, hiking alone in the dark) to hike a nearby mountain, timing my summit with the sunrise. I will say, it could have gone terribly wrong and I would have only had myself to blame.. but thankfully, luckily, I made it safely and without issues, and I had the entire mountain to myself for two-and-a-half hours, only encountering people on the very last leg of my descent. being alone like that, surrounded by cacti and the soft light of sunrise, was so nourishing and joyful.
I hope you’ll forgive me for the rough, slightly disconnected nature of these short writings. I’ve missed writing you, and am as always grateful for each of you. I’m hoping to be sharing more things with you and more frequently… I hope this summer has been filled with sunshine, joy, laughter, and quality time. talk to you soon ;)
tl;dr: I’m back in the states, future and fears, solo trip
song of the day: hora de comer - jósean log